12 November 2014

Seventy-first appointment

I have been incredibly flat lately. Lovely psychiatrist tells me that sadness & depression are an improvement on fear & dissociation. I am sure that he is right but it really doesn't make it easier. 

I told him that my kitchen reno is supposed to start next week and I am not even excited about it anymore. He suggested that perhaps the reality of the work, the inconvenience or a time, the mess and the fact that there is going to be strangers, men, in my house. The place that is my safe zone. I hadn't thought of that but it does make sense. He said that once it is finished I will probably find myself more excited. 

5 November 2014

Seventieth appointment

Wow, 70 appointments. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

It was a very difficult appointment. Quite a lot of pain and I derealised again. There was, however, something good in the appointment.

31 October 2014

Unknown danger

Okay, so this post is completely unrelated to all this stuff. 

I have been pretty sick this week and it was all because of something I never expected. 

One of my outlets is photography. I like to take photos of the birds that come to my house and go out into nature and take photos of landscapes, plants, flowers and wildlife. I have been trying to get out as much as possible. 

30 October 2014

Sixty-ninth appointment

I don't really know what to say. 

Lovely psychiatrist thinks it is getting better. 

26 October 2014

22 October 2014

Sixty-eighth appointment

Apparently today went well. Actually, I didn't feel that bad when I left today. 

I cried a lot of the way home. 

I really didn't have many flashbacks in the last week but had several on the way home. 

I'm tired but my mind is racing. 

I want to write but I don't want to. I want to draw but don't want to. 

Kind of mixed up at the moment. 

17 October 2014

9 October 2014

Lotus People

As I wrote previously I met with the psychologist who I have a memory of seeing when I was 16.

I took photos with me of that age. My face was familiar to her but she can't place it with a case. She asked me if she was familiar. I said sort of and then asked if she used to have red hair. She said yes, that she used to dye her hair a reddish colour.

8 October 2014

Sixty-sixth appointment

Lovely psychiatrist took me too the "scene". As he finished talking, I started flashbacks all types. Then I dissociated. It was a bit of work to get me back. He had to do a bit of work to bring me back. 

7 October 2014


I didn't want to leave the coast this morning. I did though. Nice drive down the coast, visited a gourmet food shop and then inland. 

I saw the psychologist from when I was 16, will talk of that another time. 

I checked into my hotel. I had room service dinner, 2 glasses of red wine and a 2 hour spa. 

I have said it before, I don't relax easily but I feel so relaxed right now. I think I may even be able to get some good sleep tonight. 

Good night (well it is for me) lovely readers.