28 February 2015

Eightieth appointment

Is that how you spell that? I don't think I have ever thought of the spelling of that word. I don't think I have ever needed it before. I know that when I started all of this I had no idea that I would end up at my eightieth appointment. I am pretty sure lovely psychiatrist didn't anticipate it either. His initial block of 12 appointments certainly seems like a fairy tale now.


15 February 2015

Sex

I just want to have sex. I want to know what it feels like. I want to be touched, kissed, caressed. I want to know that it can be good. I want to know that it doesn't need to feel dirty or make me feel guilty and disgusted. 

14 February 2015

And the answer is....

"How is it you are so intoxicating?" - IT (previously dear teacher)

For the past few months or so I have been thinking, fantasising about IT. Not about a life together, no it has just been about having sex with him. It has been about feeling those things he did before that made me feel so good. The stuff before penetration, before those words that made it hurt so much. I remembered lovely psychiatrist asking me once if I thought I could have a purely physical relationship with IT. I pondered on that for a month or so.

I called him two weeks ago. Chit chat ensued and then I blurted out

"Would you like to have sex with me sometime?"

There was silence, spluttering and then

"Um... did you really just ask me to have sex with you?"

"Yes, do you want to?"

"Yes, maybe, I need to think about this. I'll call you"

He called me Wednesday night. "I think we should really talk in person."

12 February 2015

Seventy-ninth appointment

Fuck that word. 

Fuck the flashing neon sign in my head with it written on it. 


1 February 2015

It hurts

Sometimes all you can say about something is that it hurts. There is no other word that fits. 

I think it always hurts more when it is suddenly sprung on you. You know when you think everything is fine but suddenly you find out it isn't. Maybe the signs were there and I missed them or just I just didn't want to see them. I don't know. It felt really sudden. 

It hurts. 

28 January 2015

Seventy-seventh appointment

I didn't really want to be there today. Although it wasn't until about 10 minutes before the appointment that I realised that. Not sure that it was actually that I didn't want to be there or if it was the anxiety about the coming appointment. 

I've been having flashbacks & nightmares again. Some about the stuff we are dealing with some about other stuff. New but not new stuff. Stuff when I am older. Stuff when I have feelings. Stuff I feel so guilty about. 

He said that it would be best to keep going with the emdr on the stuff we have been working on. He thinks it is better to finish one thing before moving on. He is right of course and that is what we did. I guess that it is getting easier. 

26 January 2015

Stuff

Just stuff.

Up, down all over the fucking place.

What's the point?

24 January 2015

It's normal

So, I have been pretty depressed the past week. Wonderful psychologist told me yesterday that it is probably quite normal given my life lately. 

What she basically said was that I have been doing lots of things and realising quite a bit too. 


16 January 2015

So...

I went away on my big holiday and I had a wonderful time. I met people. I talked to people, even a few without prompting! It saw and did some wonderful things. It started out a bit rocky and the first couple of days there was numerous retreats to my room in tears and panicking. There was quite a few texts back & forth to my wonderful psychologist. However, the feeling of being so incredibly overwhelmed did dissipate.