22 August 2014


She started screaming again this morning.

I don't have time for this. I don't need this. Why couldn't she wait until I was in the room with lovely psychiatrist this coming week before she started screaming?

It is so loud I feel dizzy.

20 August 2014


I finally took the power back.

I talked to detective friend after another run in with A. I didn't tell him everything, enough that he worked it out himself.

He made an unofficial visit to A.

After not seeing A for a little while I did today and he was he usual self.

I only said three words to him.

"Seen [detective] lately?"

He didn't say a word, just spun around and walked away.

I have my power back.

11 August 2014

Up, middle, down

I have had some pretty good things happening.

I have had some pretty average things happening.

And then there has been some awful stuff.

For the most part the awful stuff isn't abuse stuff it is other life stuff.

I spoke with someone today that might help to ease one of the crappy things. Hopefully anyway.

My grandfather is really sick in hospital. It was actually pretty awful when I went there this afternoon.

Other stuff. All of it just makes me cry and erodes at how the good stuff makes me feel.

30 July 2014


My cousin died on Monday. 

I spoke with his sister today. 

He committed suicide. 

29 July 2014


I am having problems drinking again. 

Give yourself a break

I never did get back to write about my last appointment with lovely psychiatrist and, to be honest, I don't really remember that much about it now. It is a little frustrating. If I don't start writing close to the event I tend to forget most of it. I have the same issues with appointments with wonderful psychologist. Although I do remember a couple of things from our last one. 

23 July 2014

21 July 2014


Why are there people who expect you to justify your decisions? What is it about some people that think it is their right to tell you what you should do? 

19 July 2014


How do I tell if this is depression or just all the horrible stuff in my head?

I feel so awful. I can't seem to stop crying. I can't really be bothered to do anything that needs to be done.

I just want to run away.

18 July 2014

The way it is?

This has nothing to do with the past, nothing to do with the abuse. 

I had someone say something today. I just shrugged my shoulders and said it is just the way it is. I think I do that  because it hurts too much to think that it shouldn't be that way. I have been crying for the last half hour because I know that person is right. 

Part of this does relate to the abuse I guess. Acceptance of the way things were was what kept me alive. I guess that is similar to now. Just accept it and it won't hurt. However, every once in a while something happens or someone says something and I realise just how much it does hurt though. As much as I try to lock it up it does break through. 

I don't feel like I fit anymore. I don't feel like anyone cares.