28 January 2015

Seventy-seventh appointment

I didn't really want to be there today. Although it wasn't until about 10 minutes before the appointment that I realised that. Not sure that it was actually that I didn't want to be there or if it was the anxiety about the coming appointment. 

I've been having flashbacks & nightmares again. Some about the stuff we are dealing with some about other stuff. New but not new stuff. Stuff when I am older. Stuff when I have feelings. Stuff I feel so guilty about. 

He said that it would be best to keep going with the emdr on the stuff we have been working on. He thinks it is better to finish one thing before moving on. He is right of course and that is what we did. I guess that it is getting easier. 

26 January 2015


Just stuff.

Up, down all over the fucking place.

What's the point?

24 January 2015

It's normal

So, I have been pretty depressed the past week. Wonderful psychologist told me yesterday that it is probably quite normal given my life lately. 

What she basically said was that I have been doing lots of things and realising quite a bit too. 

16 January 2015


I went away on my big holiday and I had a wonderful time. I met people. I talked to people, even a few without prompting! It saw and did some wonderful things. It started out a bit rocky and the first couple of days there was numerous retreats to my room in tears and panicking. There was quite a few texts back & forth to my wonderful psychologist. However, the feeling of being so incredibly overwhelmed did dissipate. 

17 December 2014

Seventy-sixth appointment

The appointment was fine. Just talked. 

I am starting a trip tomorrow. Off to the city and then Friday off on a cruise for Christmas & New Year. I am actually so anxious and scared out of my mind tonight. I have been crying and just had a massive nosebleed. 

I talked it through with both wonderful psychologist and lovely psychiatrist and I am trying to break it down and only think of the next step rather than the whole thing but even the next step has me freaking out. 

They seem so proud of me doing this on my own. People have been telling me how brave I am for doing it. I just want to curl up in a little ball. No actually, I want to turn around and go home. 

I am so scared. I know that you can't get a holiday "wrong" but I am so worried about doing something wrong or being somewhere wrong. I am really not sure what I am doing. I really don't know what to expect or what to do. 

My nose is starting to bleed again... :-(

11 December 2014

Seventy-fifth appointment

It was an interesting appointment with lovely psychiatrist today. We didn't do any emdr just talked. 

For a while now I have been thinking about various things in my life. I'm not talking about all the stuff from the past. No stuff in the present but mostly about the future. 

5 December 2014

3 December 2014

Seventy-fourth appointment

Yeah, I didn't write about the 73rd appointment.

It is getting easier. It is not as overwhelming to hear what he says to take me back. There are a few words he uses which still cut. The most difficult part is the physical memories now.

1 December 2014


So, I went away for the weekend. It was beautiful, relaxing and peaceful. The place I stayed at was so lovely and there wasn't a bunch of other people in your face. In fact I didn't really see anyone else. I wandered around with my camera, I bobbed around in the pool, just sat and relaxed. I was wonderful. I didn't think of any of this stuff. I didn't think about work or home chaos or anything. 

24 November 2014

Seventy-second appointment

Much the same, flashbacks and derealisation. Although it is getting easier to think of this scenario without the crushing fear. There is just so much sadness, pain, anger about it. Lovely psychiatrist tells me they are very appropriate emotions to be feeling. He says that all the crying I have been doing lately is good.