9 September 2015

Ninety seventh appointment

So, lovely psychiatrist isn't concerned. He commented on how what we have started working on is, in most probability, going to be a lot more difficult for me than what we have already done given that it is all about body image and self image now. How I feel and think about myself now.

Why did I?

I did something, something that I never thought I would do and I don't know why I did it.

2 September 2015

Ninety sixth Appointment

Varied appointment with lovely psychiatrist today. Talked about quite a few things.

He told me that online friendships are just as real as offline friendships. Things can be said and/or done and you are allowed to be hurt and upset. I know that he is right and my online friendships are extremely important to me and some of the people I have met are amazing. However if something upsets or hurts me I revert to "it is only online" so therefore it shouldn't upset or hurt. Completely and totally illogical when I actually sat down and talked about it. I guess that it was about knowing it was okay to feel the way I do about what happened. I still struggle with what I feel and if it is appropriate.

We have started talking about my anxiety related to weight loss. It has been an interesting thing. I got to under 100 kg and then slowly it started creeping back on. I am back over now, although I did have some issues with that anti-depressant that I tried. We spoke about how I think of weight as protection. While I really want to be in a relationship etc I am so very afraid of it too. I am so very scared of ending up in an abusive relationship and I believe that if I am overweight that I will not be noticed. I, honestly, believe that no one could ever find me attractive the way that I am. I am ashamed and embarrassed about the way that I look but I am so fearful of doing anything to change it. Lovely psychiatrist pointed out several things to me today.

1 September 2015

Can't sleep

I can't sleep tonight. Work has been so busy and there is so many things that need to be done and I am just a bit overwhelmed with it. I have a great new co-worker but, as quickly as she is learning, there is still much that she is unable to help me with. It is not help with my boss when doing dictation for new co-worker frequently says ask [me] how to do that. Some of them are things that he could dictate for her but for him it is easier to get me to do it. However, that just gets me further and further behind. I've been awake for over 2 hours now. At 5 am I am considering getting dressed and going to work so that I can catch up. My boss is going to be away for almost 2 weeks after today and there are things that need to be done that he will need to take care of before he goes. 

I should be able to catch up on a lot of things while he is away but I would also like to try and spend some of the time showing my new co-worker things. Hopefully I can manage to combine both so that when my boss gets back things will have settled down and it will ease my stress levels. 

30 August 2015

One change

Sometimes deep inside you know things are changing, are ending but it just isn't there consciously. No, that isn't quite right. I've known things were changing but struggled greatly with it. Not wanting to believe or even really acknowledge. However there is always one point where something happens and you just cannot deny it anymore. It can be big or small although I have found that it is usually something small that makes finally sink in. 

And so it was, something small. Just one small change. Just one different word. I will cry a while more. It will sting and bite for a while yet. I will question myself as to why, what did I do wrong, for a time yet. Hopefully one day, in the not too distant future, it will be "okay". My lovely psychiatrist and wonderful psychologist have so often said about the abuse stuff that part of what we are doing is to get me to a point where it does not consume me to think about. To get to the point of a scar rather than an open wound. I know that it is happening, whole sections seem to be closed up now. This one though is newly opened wound. I hope that with the skills that I have obtained throughout my therapy I will be able to heal it without being consumed as wounds have in the past. 

Amazing how changing one word little word can change things forever. 

30 June 2015


So I have had a bad couple of days. 

My cousin committed suicide on Sunday night. I got a text from my grandparents at work yesterday morning. 

My Gramma died some time overnight (she was overseas). I found out at lunch time from a post on Facebook by my second cousin. 

Text & Facebook is this what the world is reduced to? Surely something as important as the loss of a loved one should be communicated in person or if that isn't possible then by phone. 

Yes, I was at work but there were ways they could have gotten the news to me. When my uncle died they contacted my grandparents here to let me know when they couldn't get me on the phone, 

It hurts. It hurts so much that they think so little of me that I found out from Facebook. 

3 June 2015

Eighty-eighth appointment

So I now have a script for an anti-depressant. New to the market, non government subsidised (oh well, that is what my health insurance is for). Unfortunately it is so new to the market that my pharmacy doesn't stock it. They can't get it in until Friday and by that time I won't be in town. I guess that it is probably best not to start a new medication before a long weekend away. 

1 June 2015

Horror night

It was his birthday yesterday and it was kind of a fucked up day. 

I basically did nothing in the morning except for sit around watching random stuff on youtube. Oh and going down rabbit holes on the internet. Some freaking weird stuff out there when you just start randomly clicking on things.... 

I did manage to make myself roast pork for dinner. I got my crackle to crackle properly for the first time in ages. 

27 May 2015

Eighty- seventh appointment

Been a while since I wrote specifically about an appointment. 

Today was a difficult one. Not so much because of the emdr but because of the other stuff that we talked about. 

21 May 2015